The Benefit of the Doubt

I am generous, to a flaw probably. Loyalty and respect mean a lot to me. If I feel like I am not getting the same respect and loyalty in return then you probably get the silent treatment from me. I hate that I do that, but I do.  I also believe that everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, no body is perfect and shit happens so within reason I am a pretty forgiving person. If I feel like I have constantly been disrespected and I can't make an excuse for you because I always get 'some excuse'  back or no excuse at all I will stew over it for ages. But I get past it and tell myself  'It's there loss.' eventually.  Articulating my thoughts and feeling these days is not exactly easy because words don't always come out the way I necessarily want. I have said this many times before but I will say it again.  The more emotional or stressed I am about what is being discussed the worse my speech is.  Yes, I know that several others probably go through the same, but its not the same!  I know this because at one time this disease didn't control me and I do recall what is was like.  My texting/typing sometimes seems like a better way to get my thoughts across but that doesn't always work. Tones of message are often misinterpreted and that just doesn't help. A lot of times I choose to be catatonic just because it is to hard for others to slow a conversation to try and get my point across.  If I am in a situation where I am in a group setting of more than three people I get to the point where I do not even try because I know I  just get so easily drowned out.  If the environment is a noisy one like a pub or a restaurant and I want to be heard I feel like I have to raise my hand or  get someone else to talk on my behalf and then it feels like you are slowing the whole conversation down. Its a frustrating thing because before if I wanted to be heard, you heard me and I made sure of it.  Where am I going with this?  I don't know.  It seems like now that things are starting to loosen up these very opinionated conversations are happening and I want to contribute but just don't. I know how self conscious I am about the way I talk so it is probably just me to an extent, but really I do not think I am too far off.

Take care!

Darrin