Was that Intentional or Not?

I don't always do things on purpose, or do I?  Most of time, I don't do things on purpose and I can't help things at times. Sometimes you see these things, sometimes you don't. Occasionally, people try to pass things over on me, sometimes they don't realize I know this and sometimes I am oblivious. Which is probably more accurate than I care to admit.

Talking, I love it and I hate it.  Repeating myself is not on my top ten list, but it's understandable. I'm not entirely certain but it is probably the problem I'm most self conscious about. It feels like I could do so much more if I could talk clearly. But it makes me better at listening. Not all bad?  Now, not talking translates into issues. Often misunderstandings, repeating myself,  not being able to get my ideas understood (and no, I cannot draw you a picture), the list goes on and you know this. Generally, I won't argue with my voice, it doesn't mean I always agree with you but I just can't find the energy for an argument that lasts more than a few minutes.

  By the way none of this applies when my dad's involved.  Let's get back on topic though. Most know I can't help the way I speak , it is just life and I'm dealing with it, I hate it, but I'm dealing with it. Things I am guilty of? Not always making eye contact when I'm face to face talking to someone but if I'm looking at you, know I'm hearing you but if I'm not looking at you it doesn't always mean I'm not listening to you.  My eyes wander at times. Some days it's very controllable and most days it's not.  It's not always something I will stop mid conversation to explain unless you ask. 

I don't like spitting on people and that is another reason I don't always look at you when I talk to you. Sure, we've all done it, it just happens more often with me. Sometimes you'll see me talk with my hands in front of my mouth to save you from the spray of my siilva.  One thing I can't control well is the volume of my voice. To me, it seems like there are two levels. Way to loud and way to quiet. Do I care? I try to pretend I don't, but I do. I talked loudly before but if I wanted to talk softer, I could. 

 Now, you probably get a lot of body language which is or is not always the way you deserve responses.

Driving. This one annoys some people so maybe I'll put a trigger warning. So here's your warning.

I used to drive a lot, work took me everywhere, driving anywhere in any conditions was never really a problem. Now I hate driving unless I need too. 

Yes, I have my license for now. Yes it's legal. Yes, I question this every single day. But if someone else can and will drive my car, it's preferred.  The driving I do now is usually A to B and I tend to avoid areas like going downtown, places that seem narrow.  Parking is possible if it's not on a street, the area is (mostly) level, and it's wide.  Some accesible parking is really good but some is a total joke. Sidenote though, Sure the bare minimum is better than nothing but there's nothing worse than going someplace that's allegedly accessible, and really it's not. 

Now one of the things I can't help is the way my body moves and acts. Falling sucks, it hurts. Not just my ego.  I've got so many cuts, scrapes, bruises, burns, and pulled muscles that I can't explain all of them. Thinking about your next move is so natural but when you're me, everything is in the way, curbs, steps, other people, uneven ground and even hot and cold surfaces.  It's a way of life, for me. (By me I mean anyone who struggles with these things.)

Most issues are "me issues" and many issues people don't see. Some issues are a little TMI for a space like this. I'm game to discuss them usually, just not in a public platform.

Now what parts do I fake? Generally none. Will I? Absolutely! It's sometimes the polite way to excuse myself from a situation. Big crowds are exhausting for me, public places are exhausting for long periods of time. One to one conversation in a somewhat quiet place is ideal. Accepting help although very hard, is usually appreciated. Sometimes though, and I've said this before, you just gotta let me fail.  I want to to know my limits. I try to approach most things like I don't have help, because often you don't have help around. Not saying I don't want help because I know I do. Everytime I get help I appreciate it, even if I forget to say it. Everyone makes excuses, I do it all the time. I hate lame excuses because I've given my fair share of them but even when we don't want to hear them we get them. Isn't that just way it is?